“…they gave, even beyond their ability.” – 2 Corinthians 8:30

“Give blood…but don’t expect to ever see reward.” – Pete Townshend

Several weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend of mine; a woman, with whom I have been acquainted for something like thirty years. This particular conversation, as with so many of my conversations with this particular friend, focused on what she considers a strange conflict in my personality, and in fact, in my life.

On the one hand, I spend a very large amount of my time tending to the needs of others. I have a busy law practice, dedicated to solving other people’s problems, and providing the sole means of support for a wife, two children, and three step-children. I am also the only cook in the family, the driver, the homework coach, the liaison to schools and doctors, the disciplinarian; basically, I am responsible for everything except cleaning the house and doing the dishes. It is a very busy, stressful schedule, and my efforts go, as often as not, unappreciated.

On the other hand, my friend finds unbelievable, and even distasteful, my seeming lack of emotional content about all of this. The lack of gratitude doesn’t particularly bother me, nor do I have any very strong emotions about the things I do.

My friend, as I said, finds this part of me hard to deal with. She is particularly bothered by my seeming lack of emotion, or “shallow affect,” as some may describe it. Friend or not, she uses words like “narcissist” to describe me, and has suggested I need psychiatric care. This all stems from the fact that I am not particularly emotional, don’t tumble ass-over-teakettle for “wub sweet wub,” and don’t care much about discussing feelings; mine, yours, or anyone else’s. I told my friend that the feeling I am concerned about is the feeling of being useful, to society, my family and myself. She told me that “a pencil sharpener is useful,” and that “lack of emotion is a cancer.” My initial response was that those statements rank among the most ignorant, benighted phrases ever uttered.

Out of deference for a thirty year friendship with someone I respect, I kept my peace, initially. I ruminated (yes, I do that) over these comments for a few weeks, in an attempt not to give short shrift to the opinion of a valued friend, and generally to prevent thinking that I am right about everything (narcissist and all). After much thought, I reached a conclusion.

I was right. Her opinion on the matter is ignorant and benighted (no offense, please, love) and reflects an elevation of feelings over practical results that I find horrific, and all too common in today’s society.

I believe that, to the extent our lives can be said to have a purpose, that purpose consists in being as helpful and useful as one can be. Those with ability are morally required to make the most of it. Those with great ability must use it do to great things, for themselves and for others. A person’s value lies precisely in how much they give to others, and how much they make of their natural talents. Success is measured in time, money, care, support and aid given, and in pushing oneself to one’s limits. If what you have is needed somewhere, give it. Utility is my purpose, and yours, too, whether you know it or don’t know it. I may not be a nice fellow, but I am certainly useful.

Would I, then, be a better person if I had all sorts of good feelings about myself, based on the gratitude of others, those on whose behalf I act? Would I be morally better if I was motivated by a deep love of all humanity, rather than merely to make the most of my skills and live up to my own ideals? Would I be more psychologically healthy if I gave more thought to how my actions make people feel, and less to what I actually contribute, in a practical , measurable sense, to their lives?

I think not.

In fact, I’d be a worse person. People ruled by emotion try to help, but the trying isn’t what matters in the end. As long a people feel good that someone tried, the emotional among us feel they have done something. But they haven’t. If I can make your life better, I’ve done something, whether you feel happy about it, and whether you appreciate it. If I’ve done something to make things better, about your appreciation and my “feel goods” I don’t give a damn. Which is more important, the transitory emotions or the concrete results? Results, every time.

Moreover, the highly emotional are often motivated by the desire to have recognition for their efforts, the gratitude of those they help, and the internal glow of being a “good person.” In other words, they are helping others for what it does for themselves. This makes such a person a selfish bastard on the same level as me. Why is your desire to feel oh, so noble, better than my desire to feel useful? Perhaps the reader can guess my answer.

So, those who so choose, may continue wasting time talking about the feelings which drive your life, and which you believe I lack. I’ll remain a pencil sharpener. You can continue being depressed about how unappreciated you are. I’ll continue doing what I can do. I wish you happiness and fulfillment, however you measure it. As for my feelings, I’ll keep them in my own way, and to myself. I’ll live happily with the so-called “cancer” that is their absence.

Give. Give blood, sweat, tears, and more than you think you can, more than you are able. Expect no gratitude, recognition or reward. Using your abilities to the fullest is both the means and the end. Giving is its own reward.

It applies to life, and everything in it. For some reason, these days it seems that everybody wants things to be easy, comfortable, soft, and fun. But no true satisfaction has ever come from that. The only true happiness comes from continually challenging yourself to improve, conquer, rise above, and get better at everything you do.

First of all, it should be self evident that in order to really feel joy, you have to be “in the game,” that is, an active participant in your life. For example, think about that pleasure you feel when the Bears (or your team of choice) win a game. Certainly, it pales in comparison to the joy felt by those men who went out there and gave there best for four, brutal, bone-crushing quarters, and came away victorious.

So, to really get the most from life, you need to be in the game, whatever game that is. The second link in the chain should be equally obvious – losing sucks. Sure, it is gratifying to give your best, and to push yourself – we all know this. Still, find me one person, just one, who will say they prefer losing to winning. Such a person does not exist, and if he did, I wouldn’t want to know him.

Are we on the same page? Life requires you to be an active participant, not sit around and player-hate from the sidelines. But what to do when you’ve reached the absolute top in your particular game. Most would suggest retire, and rest on your laurels. This is wrong. You must find a new game to dominate. You must continually be trying to succeed, to get better, to improve, in some way. In every way relevant to your life.

A moment’s thought shows this all to be true, in every aspect of your life. Did you finally get that promotion? Now its time to be the best you can be in the new job, and start angling for the next promotion. Has your relationship fallen into a comfortable, but somewhat boring routine? Time to up your game, or you’re looking at divorce court. Did you just complete a marathon? The Ironman beckons. There is always a next step to take, always a better time to run, always more you can do for the ones you love, always something new to learn and try to master.

Never be comfortable. Always push yourself.

When you’re failing, keep pushing until you succeed. When you’re succeeding, keep pushing more until you fail. Repeat until you die.

Recently, I had the opportunity to read about a young woman, very into fitness, who had her Facebook account banned as “hate speech,” after being accused by many readers as having engaged in “fat-shaming.” Her website can be found at www.mariakang.com.

Now, I don’t want anyone kind enough to be reading this stuff I write to get their proverbial panties in a bunch. I used to be very overweight, and at 40, decided to start taking better care of my health. While I still have a way to go before running a marathon, I think reading my previous post will tell you how I feel fit vs. fat. Fit is better for me, in every way, though I suppose, your mileage may vary.

What I want to talk about is the almost volcanic level of anger that spews forth from people when they feel they are, for any reason, being “shamed.” In my humble opinion, this is absolute nonsense. Shaming is a tried and true technique, used by parents, teachers, husbands, wives, sons, daughters, and importantly, society as a whole, since time immemorial, to encourage those acting irresponsibly to straighten up and fly right.

In a world where we, as a culture, are celebrating mediocrity, permitting terrible behavior, and teaching that everyone has a right to “self-esteem” whether they have done anything to be proud of or not, we need to be willing to send out large doses of shame to all of those lacking responsibility and discipline in their lives.

Unearned self-esteem is a plague upon us, and leads to sickness, poverty, ignorance, sloth, criminality, and a host of other ills. Earned self-esteem, on the other hand, is in short supply, and a sense of shame can encourage those who lack genuine self-esteem to go out and earn some.

Long live shaming, and long live Maria Kang, and others dedicated to helping us become the best we can be!

“Mens sana in corpore sano.” – Juvenal

The above quote, “a sound mind in a sound body,” expresses one of the core values one should have, if one hopes to lead a successful life. Today I want to say something about the “sound body” portion of the equation. There are really three keys to getting results while trying to build a sound body, which, if you read my previous post, you can see is something I am focusing on right now. Results so far have been good, and I’m getting to the point where my opinion on the topic may have some value. Anyway – three keys:

1) Train – every day – as hard as you can

I keep detailed records of my training activity each day, and I have been able to go through those notes, and offer some suggestions based on my experience. Lift weights every day – every day – until you can’t lift any more. I have dozens of different exercises to choose from each day, although the foundation of them are complex exercises that work the bigger muscles of the body, like deadlifts, farmer’s carries and squats. Change it up every day – some days I go for a smaller number of reps and sets lifting as much weight as I can, and some days slightly lower weight in as many sets and reps as I can do. I never do the identical set of exercises on any given day, as giving your body a new and unexpected challenge each day seems to be the way to build useful strength and physical capability. While weight lifting is by far the most important part of building a strong, fit, useful body (and I am now lifting for no less than two hours each day) it is also useful to work cardio, stretching, and various sports and activities into the workout schedule. When your head hits the pillow at night, you should have nothing left.

2) “Eat food, not too much, mostly plants.” – Michael Pollan

This statement, I think, sums up a common sense eating plan. As I noted in a prior post, for about a year I followed a pure vegetarian diet. I no longer do this, as I’m not sure that it can support my nutritional needs while I am engaged in a very heavy amount of physical activity. However, vegetables are still the vast majority of what I eat, especially the green leafies, and the legumes for protein. I’ll also eat eggs, and high quality meats from time to time, for the protein and the sheer enjoyment. Most important is this – no fast food, nothing processed, nothing you didn’t make yourself, as Mr. Pollan, from the quote above, said – “nothing your great-grandparents wouldn’t recognize as food. This is particularly important if you are training as hard as you should – because you will eat a lot more – a lot more – when lifting hard and heavy, you need to make sure that what you put in your mouth is only the highest quality fuel.

3) Get your ZZZZZZZs

There can be no doubt that getting adequate sleep allows your body to rebuild, develop, and grow, and that sleeping well is absolutely necessary to good health. For years, I took pride in the fact that I only needed four or five hours of sleep per night, thinking that it allowed me to accomplish much more with my time. The result, though, was that I was not as effective while awake, and lost a lot of time to illness and other manifestations of poor health. Now, my body needs a solid eight hours, and I make damned sure I get it. In doing so, I find that I have more than adequate energy for my work, my training, my family, and all the other things I love to spend my time on.

Train hard, eat well, rest up. A simple plan that yields significant benefits. Other than losing weight, increasing muscle mass, having more energy, normalizing my blood pressure, reducing my resting heart rate from 95 a year and an half ago to below 70 now (I am 43 years old)(Edit: Good God, this is an old post – I am now 46 years old!), completely curing my acid reflux, I should also note – I haven’t so much as suffered one day from even a cold or flu in months now.

Its never too late to start on the road to good health and strength.

Thank you for reading,

Tim

Thanksgiving Day 2011 was a banner day for me. I cooked, and then ate and drank myself silly with my family. Ham, turkey, pumpkin pie, and all of the other good stuff that goes along with Thanksgiving dinner. I also enjoyed about half-a-pack of post-prandial cigarettes, and I don’t remember how many nice glasses of scotch. I was stuffed, full, fat and happy.

Until the next morning. I woke up with an hellacious hangover, heartburn, cottonmouth, and some sort of borderline allergic reaction that made it difficult to breathe. When you think about it, none of that should have been any surprise. After all, I had a twenty-six-year pack-a-day cigarette habit, and had been eating and drinking, really, whatever the hell I felt like, in any quantity that pleased me, for my entire life. On top of that, or rather, because of it, I was taking four medications for high blood pressure, three medications to facilitate lung function, and a pill to take care of my constant, daily heartburn. I weighed 270 lbs.

Not healthy, to say the least.

On that day, the morning after Thanksgiving 2011, I quit smoking. I also decided to do something about my weight – right then and there. What I did about it was to go on a strict vegetarian diet. Starting that morning, I ate only plant-based foods – and frankly, not very many different types of them. My diet consisted of almost exclusively the following:

Red cabbage and green cabbage – I had heard that they were good for dealing with stomach problems, and without a daily pill, my heartburn would ordinarily set in by 10:00 a.m.

Spinach and kale – green leafies, which are always supposed to be good for you.

Potato, regular and sweet – leaving aside the references to the sweet potato as a super food, these are just things that I had always loved, and was going to continue to eat, hell of high water.

Whole wheat bread and pasta – on occasion, just to satisfy the carb addiction.

Carrots, broccoli, romaine – again, all healthy sounding things, and all things I liked anyway.

Mushrooms – every variety you can think of, as they add fantastic flavor to every dish.

Water and sometimes coffee – no milk, no soft drinks.

It wasn’t really that hard. I ate as much as I damned well pleased, and never felt very hungry – at least not after the first two weeks, as I adjusted to my more limited, meat-and-dairy-free diet. The only struggle was cheese – which I loved with a passion, and consumed large quantities of varieties most people have never even heard about.

During that time, I did a lot of reading about vegetarian diets, vegan diets (which I suppose mine was, strictly speaking), and learned that there are those who swear by them, and those who conclude they are decidedly unhealthy. All I can offer up are my results – unscientific, and based on a sample size of one. As of March 1, 2012:

My weight was down to 205 pounds.

My waist measurement went from 48 to 40.

My blood pressure returned to normal, and I was able to stop all of the medications.

My breathing problems completely abated, and that medicine, too, was stopped (although I’m sure giving up the cigarettes had something to do with this.

I quit taking heartburn medication, and only felt the slightest bit of heartburn when I consumed alcohol, and at no other time, no matter how much I ate.

I started sleeping through the night, and eight full hours, for the first time in decades.
All in all, it was an amazing transformation in my lifestyle. But, not all was perfect. While I had lost a lot of weight, I had also lost a lot of strength, and wasn’t really any closer to the physical specimen I wanted to be. For want of a better term to describe it, I found myself “skinny fat;” that is, having lost a lot of weight, but not really improved in terms of muscle tone.

Also, I hit a plateau on weight loss, and I still had weight to lose, actually. From March 1 until about two weeks ago, my weight stayed the same – 205 – and while I didn’t gain, I didn’t lose.

So, the internet to the rescue again. I went back to reading, and found advice which seemed palatable to me on the website of one Victor Pride, called Bold and Determined, which is linked to on my blogroll. Based on some of the things he had to say, and some of my own investigation, I have re-made my diet (again), and also instituted a program of cardio and heavy weight lifting, in conjunction with a few nutritional supplements.

I plan to write about this experience as it happens, describe my diet and exercise routine in detail, and hope be able to evaluate each segment of my new plan for effectiveness in the process.

While its been only two weeks so far, I can note this – visible increase in muscle mass, increased endurance, better fitting clothes, and more energy.

Wish me the best, and comments are welcome!

Tim

“Murphy,” or “Murphy game,” according to the New Partridge Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English – “a swindle involving a prostitute and her accomplice, usually entailing robbing the prostitute’s customer.”

The natural question is, then, why would I call my blog “Cut of the Murphy?” The obvious answer is that like the “Murphy man” who wants his “cut” of the take, hopefully readers will come here from time to time for their requisite portion of whatever it is I have to say (and my name is Murphy, see?)

But in truth, the reason for the name is somewhat more significant than just my half-assed attempt to be clever. Consider the poor victim of the Murphy game; he thought he was about to get a little fun, a little action, maybe get a bit of wholesome sinning done, and instead, he got cracked on the head and had his wallet lightened.

Now, consider us all: born into this world so full of promise, so open to possibilities, heads full of dreams and ideas about the good life, our good lives, and all of the things we’ll see and do and accomplish. Then, whack! right upside the head. Every one of us, and I mean every last one of us, has felt that headache, the rug being pulled out from under us, the sequence of tragedies, disasters, annoyances, setbacks, and things big and small that seem to get in the way of our quest for that little bit of amusement, that small sense of accomplishment, that thing that makes us feel rewarded for all we did (or maybe just intended to do).

I’ve sure as hell noticed this, and I’m sure you have, as well. And if you are a thinking person, and you almost certainly are, you must spend time thinking about how to avoid the bad, and get your share of the good, and do those two things on a more or less regular basis. I think about it a lot, and that’s what this blog will, hopefully, be about. There are a lot of things that one needs to know, and see, and do, and feel, and understand, in order to progress in their pursuit of the good life. In the end, they say that life is about the journey, not the destination, and I’ll be using this space to write about my journey, and the things I think you need to pay attention to along your journey.

It is my hope that by writing about these things, I may come to understand the world I live in, and myself, just a little bit better. While I’m not arrogant enough to assume my words could do the same for you, I also hope you’ll at least find something useful, or something that makes you smile, somewhere along the way.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you’ll feel free to comment at any time, on any post. I look forward to hearing from you.