In the middle of a long conversation with a very good friend the other day, I had the chance to discuss love; what it is, what it means, falling in love and falling out of love. I think my take on love is a bit different from the things most people believe, and so, for your consideration, I will briefly attempt to do what has often been deemed impossible, and define love.
Let’s start with what love isn’t. That feeling you get that says “wow, I need to meet that girl, she’s cute, she’s hot!” Not love. Its just lust, and there is nothing wrong with it, but love has nothing to do with our sex organs, for all that we like to call it “making love.” Perhaps you’ll tell me I’m being to harsh – its not just the good looks, its that he’s sensitive, sweet, smart, and on and on and on. That’s also not love – really just curiosity. Or maybe you’re the emotional type, sure that your destined in the stats to have a deep, meaningful life-long connection with your soul-mate. Again, not love – romance at best, infatuation and escapism at worst. These things are not love – nor are obedience, sweet words, tender glances and soft kisses. All wonderful -but not love.
Now some of you will say – Murphy, you’re missing it. Love is the desire to put someone else’s well-being and happiness above your own, its the feeling that you want to do everything and anything to give the loved one the best possible life. For those who say that, you, too, are wrong. In fact, love is not a desire, feeling or emotion at all.
Love is not the desire to put another’s interest above your own. Love is…actually doing that! Love is the choice, the constant decision, to do whatever your are capable of, and more, to insure the happiness and success of another person. It is the active prevention of harm to that person, even the harm they would do to themselves, even the harm they don’t see as harm. Love is an active thing, a doing, a constant effort for the good of another. Not an emotion, not a feeling. Rather, a choice, and following through on that choice with action.
I hate it when people say they “fall in love,” as if it was an open manhole cover in the street. You choose to love. And please don’t ever tell me that you have “fallen out of love.” Own your decision – if you don’t love anymore, its because you chose not to.